I knew it was just a matter of time. Running always brings up emotions, thoughts, memories, and everything in between for me. The first time I ran I was battling depression so bad that only through running was I able to catch my breath and feel any semblance of peace. It made me so happy that it became the bane of my first marriage. How could I possibly feel joy without him? That was the beginning of the end, the first time. Any ounce of self-esteem that I had managed to garner was gone. I was broken in so many more ways than one. Lost and confused I did what any stupid woman with a low feeling of self worth would do… I ran! Except this time it was not on the trail it was away from the family I knew. I didn’t feel worthy of any of it and soon after I found someone who would turn all that around (at least that’s what the physical compliments made me feel). Blindly, I gave up my sad world for a wild ride that would end up being the horror story of my life for the next few years. I won’t go into all the details, mainly because my body has gone into protective mode and most of that trauma has been blocked out of my memory for now. I’m sure it will start coming back in pieces, and when it does I’ll share. For today, there was no run to save me from these thoughts that started creeping their way into my head. I was in the car this morning, dancing of course to Rob Thomas. Then the song Roar by Katty Perry came on and so did the tears. Where on earth was all this coming from?? As I listened to the words I remembered, I cried more, and then I felt relief. I have lived an amazing story up until now. For the two men that tried to break me… FUCK YOU! I also forgive you, because I realized today what it means to have control ONLY over oneself. It’s up to me if I want to see myself as a victim. It is up to me if I want to live in fear, guilt, or shame. Katty Perry’s Roar, yup that’s my jam! True to every word!
Roar by Katy Perry
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everythingYou held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I had enough
I see it all, I see it nowI got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar!
Runmom_6 