I had to capture the beautiful sunrise on this morning’s run. Today, I finished my planned 5.5 mile run in about 1hr 20 min. It was supposed to be a hill repeat training run, but I have still to find some hills in my area. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough ha ha…
The Texas heat is here, and so it is time to start making my runs earlier if I don’t want to melt away! I used to love running in the middle of summer but not anymore. I also need to remember to hydrate during these longer runs or else I’m not going to make the distances planned. I am supposed to have a rest day tomorrow and then 8.46 miles on Sunday, in honor of George Floyd. I’m posting a picture from this run on my running group’s page on FB.
I’m struggling a little more these days with loneliness. I don’t know exactly how the stages of grief are supposed to develop, all I know is what I am feeling now. I went from angry, to sad, to angry again, to fed up and cold, and now I am feeling heartbreak and loneliness. I never saw myself as a twice-divorced single mother with six kids and a career. Sure, I saw each of these roles but never all at once. The good thing is I only have three of the kids still at home. The overwhelming thing is that two of those are just beginning grade school!!!
Soon, my number four will be off to college and then it will be just the three of us. What on earth am I going to do! She helps me so much! These were supposed to be the beginning of my grandma years not mommy years. LOL… Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my children, but I am TIRED! The last husband really drained a lot of life out of me, and I’m still trying to catch my breath and figure out how to just be.
Why then am I crying over lost love and heartbreak??? I think it’s more of the idea of the love I thought I had. I married my second husband without thinking, exactly one month after my first divorce was final. I literally had no time to heal. Soon after came baby number 5 and then after living in what seemed like a comatose state came baby number six. I can still remember hearing my ex-husband’s voice pleading with me to get an abortion. How was I so weak to have stayed with someone that not only was abusive, but cheated on me, and now was asking me to dispose of something that was growing inside of me. All I can say is that God knew what trials I needed to go through and he knew what I was strong enough to handle.
I can honestly say now that I am a better mother and better person in general for having survived the last eight years. So much growth as a person, as a woman, and as a child of God. I learned that life is not always what we think it should be and the people that we expect to protect us may not always be equipped to do so. I think we as women all too often make gods of our men and translate being a strong women into something distorted. Maybe what we think we are supposed to do is really not what God wants us to do, but we have learned to listed to culture and society instead of staying quite and really listening to what God is whispering to us.
This idea of what God is really trying to tell me hit home once during a late night conversation with my brother. We talked about marriage and divorce. We were raised as Catholics and that divorce is a sin. It’s incredible to me now that something that is supposed to bring you close to something so loving and special destroyed my inner self so much. I lived with so much shame and guilt for so many years, until my brother shared something. I had already formally accepted Jesus as my savior outside the Catholic Church and was finally finding my peace in a non-denominational environment, but this that my brother shared further opened my eyes. He said that we marry a person we choose and then point to the bible as the basis for not divorcing, but what if the person that God chose for you not to divide from is not the person YOU chose? Wow, there you go! Just like that my eyes and heart began to open even more. These truths are mine and I don’t mean to preach but this is my blog and therefore my platform to share, no? smile…
Tomorrow will be a new day, and so I will end tonight on that note. So much for a running report. I guess there were different plans for my words today.
Runmom_6 